"Are you sure it's not a brain tumor?"- My life story

      Hello! Happy exams week! Today I am updating my blog from a mobile device, because my mom is coughing and I can not deal with it. At all. It's a classic case of me projecting my hypochondria on to other people. (Also if you don't like needles I would consider not reading the bottom part about what I want.)
   I'm a hypochondriac. I wrote that in our introductory posts this fall. I have terrible anxiety. Terrible terrible anxiety. Heck, I'm surprised I can get things done at all with my anxiety. (If I ever turned anything in late, there is a 101% chance anxiety is the cause.) I spend days and weeks upon end examining my body and getting petrified over the tiniest things.
For example:
Today, when I got out of the shower I noticed I had bruise. The most logical first thought I could have had would be, "Hmmm. No wonder my leg was sore." Guess what? That was not my first thought. My first thought was," Oh I have a bruise. Oh my gosh where did I get that? I don't remember. I have leukemia. Oh my gosh."
That sounds crazy to some but in my head it makes perfect sense. In fact, I'm still monitoring my symptoms at this very instant. My hands kind of hurt and I actually want to cry.
The worst part?
This happens all the time. I've been to the emergency room for a pulled muscle which I thought was appendicitis. I went to urgent care to make sure I didn't have melanoma. (It wasn't melanoma.) I spent all of Saturday convinced I had a brain tumor and the entirety of break worried about meningitis. It's quite stressful really and very time consuming. Very time consuming even into the wee hours of the night.

• I mean I hate hospitals but right about now I want:

1. A spinal tap
2. An MRI
3. Bone marrow testing

Yep. That is literally all I want right now. A needle. I am willing to go as far as to have a needle in back. However, I doubt I would be satisfied.

So what's the point? That I can't just stop worrying. According to my good friends at webMD, hypochondria is a mental illness and that is true. So, just a word of advice Hypochondriacs can't just stop worrying about because that isn't the point. The way we think revolves around this anxiety and it doesn't get to go poof and stop whenever we want. That's the difference between, "I'm worried I'm sick." and hypochondria. Hypochondria controls your life and your livelihood, the other statement  could just be a casual statement that does not imply panic attacks and mental breakdowns.

A Day in the life of me goes a little something like this:

• Going to bed as last as possible to minimize the window of time that I could contract a deadly disease while I am not alert. 
• Cyberchondria: Web surfing myself into states of panic 
• Cry about terminal illnesses I could contract
• Look up survival rates for assorted diseases 
• Always assuming the worst
• Sleep loss (Sometimes voluntary)
• Worrying about kidney failure
• Keep your phone in reach 24/7. This way I can easily call 911 whenever and wherever. 
• Panicking over bruises and little red dots
• Worrying about whether or not I have come into contact with meningitis weekly
• Once I've convinced myself I have meningitis I worry about whether or not it is fungal, bacterial or viral. 
• Cry about meningitis 
• Cry while doing homework
• Freak out because something always needs to hurt right as I go to bed
• Google symptoms 
• Panic until I fall asleep
• Wake and repeat 

So please don't take hypochondria lightly. It's very hard to live in a body you don't trust and can't trust. Hypochondria makes it so you never feel safe.